Here Am I

By Andrew R. Duckworth

“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?’ And I said, ‘Here am I. Send me!’”

Isaiah 6:8 NIV

I have longed to be one waving
Up to the sky, eager to do the
Lord’s work,
     While not eager at all.

I have too often been Jonah,
Who hears the message and runs
From His word,
     All for preservation of self.

I have too often played Judas,
Hearing and then betraying
The Word,
     All for preservation of self.

And how ironic it is, my pursuit
Is in vain, as whoever wishes to
Save their life will lose it.

The instruction manual, too often,
Stays dust covered on a cluttered
Shelf, bypassed in selection of
Other readings, most often poetry.
And, for decades, I presumed it
Held little wisdom as I was
Out paying little attention to
The most important things.
There I was, in the sloppy mud,
Bathing in filthy water,
Not that of the Jordan.
I woke from slumber later
With a slap of golden light
To the face, enough to pry
My eyelids open.

I have too often been Peter
At his worst, denying
The Truth,
     All for preservation of self.

But, now that I have woken from
A self-serving stupor,
I long to be the one
Screaming in a ruthless wind
“Here I am!”
I still think of preserving self,
Often too,
Yet, day by day,
I am drawing nearer to
The one who has granted grace,
A gift I can never pay for.