Science this, science that… (a satirical essay)

By Andrew Ryan Duckworth

Picture taken by Andrew R. Duckworth

I was once asked by a brilliant man, far superior to the average individual, what I thought of science. It seemed a rather curious question to ask, considering our conversation had only drifted slightly off the topic of how great we are as social elites. but having received my bachelors degree in civil engineering, I knew I was perhaps the perfect person to answer the question. Science… what else is there? Science can answer all questions, as the elite surely knows! Definite… absolute… science.

How I am so very glad we have gotten rid of the “scientific” method. What is “scientific” about uncertainty? Say it boldly and say it proudly! We, as scientists, are the elite of society and our dictations should not be questioned. We set the standards. We set the example. We should not be questioned.

As all excellent and dare I say perfect conversations go, I relayed all of this information in the most eloquent of ways. Mr. Raison was quite out of order in his response, if I do say so myself. He babbled at long length about a great divorce of science and reason. Ha! What bullocks! Science and reason cannot be divorced. However, what Mr. Raison failed to comprehend in our conversation, and in conversations since, is that our reason is better than most. One must ask “whose reason?” If this is not accomplished, then any reason can pour through the flood gates! If it is not from the elite, it must take a seat!

Now, you may suppose as a petty commoner that my critique of Mr. Raison is a bit overbearing. Nonsense, I say! If one does not conform to the elite standard, that is, if one lacks the ability to see that everything we say is true and just, then their voice should be silenced! There is simply no room for ideas contrary to those proposed by the elite! And to those who question, I humbly suggest that you change your ignorant tone so that your voice not have to be silenced.

Mr. Raison, being not of the sound mind I once thought, has since been ignored by the scientific elite, and much to my pleasure. How dare he, one who once knew our place amongst high society, question the perfect knowledge found through science? His voice has been silenced of his own doing. His own naivety brought him to his current position amongst the lowly. Thus, I cannot dare speak to someone so dim-witted, so knowledge-absent.

Why I even entertained such a ridiculous conversation to begin with is a question even I do not know the answer to. However, one thing I know for certain is that I know everything. I am forever thankful to science and it’s continued supremacy!

If the title, or the entirety of the essay, did not tip you off, this is a satirical essay. I actually place much value in science. However, science and reason must go hand in hand. If divorced one from the other, science ceases being science. Lately, I have seen a growing trend that science should not be questioned. This could not be any more contrary to what science is. Science demands questioning. What is worse is that those scientists that currently enjoy the spotlight in popular culture and society seem to take this tone, that they shouldn’t be questioned and that science itself should not be questioned. “Follow the science” has become a rather empty slogan amongst popular culture, used by anyone and everyone, to promote unscientific ideas. It should enrage any thinking person. Instead, science has become rather elitist, with those voices in popular culture simply echoing what they hear and taking information that fits a social narrative or ideology. It is degrading. Thus, the voice used throughout the short work is an elitist monster of a person who is hellbent on maintaining a narrative rather than a noble pursuit of truth.

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